Requests from Mom to her Caregiver Daughter - What She Really Means is…
As a kid growing up, I took what people said at face value, especially my parents. When my mother asked me to do something, she was clear and I knew what it meant – please start dinner, please help your brother pick up his toys, set the table, and do your homework.
As I began working in business, it never occurred to me that what people said was not necessarily what they meant. From experience, I learned that often when people said something, it meant something else. It was as if there was a secret message or meaning embedded within the words spoken. It taught me to read between the lines. Once I figured it out, I was successful. It never occurred to me that this would be the case in my personal caregiving situation.
Since my mother has given up driving (and leaving the house except for special occasions), one of my responsibilities is that of errand runner. She writes a list and hands it to me, saying, “I do not need it now. Do it when it is convenient for you.” Seems like a reasonable request, right?
Over time, I learned that this is not the case. She does not mean for it to be “at my convenience.” If I do not get it within the next 24 hours, the nagging begins. First, there is my daily reminder. Then, there is the question about whether I “had the chance to pick up the items.” Mind you, she is in no rush. She is just wondering.
At first, I wondered if she thought I would forget, or was making conversation. As time went on, I learned that there was a hidden meaning behind her message and what she really meant is “DO IT NOW or I will nag you every day until you do.”
I admit it - I get annoyed. I dislike the inconvenience of making a special trip. She drives me crazy with the nagging. Sometimes I show my emotions and feel guilty about it.
Case in point. For Mother’s Day, my sister and I bought her a pair of shoes because she complains she has nothing to wear. We purchased three pairs, but she only liked one of them. Because she lives with me, it was my responsibility to return the two pairs she did not like. I left the box with the shoes she wished to return in her room, and that box drove her crazy. Daily, she sauntered into my room, inquiring whether there was a time limit to return the shoes.
Say no more mom. I knew immediately what she meant. It was her code for “get the box out of my room.” So, I dropped what I was doing, got the box and started the return process. As I was doing this, she stated, “I did not mean for you to do it now.” But I knew what she really meant – I hate the box in my room so get it out and return the shoes NOW!
You do not have to tell me twice. I complete her requests immediately. Recently, I have been thinking of using a senior errand service.
Questions for you:
Do you have a good system for running errands? What is it?
Do you use a senior errand service? Was it helpful?
Helpful Resources:
15 Best Errand Services For Seniors (Elderly Favorites) - Suddenly Senior
Senior Errand Assistants Near You - Errand Assistance for Seniors (care.com)
Help for Seniors: Your Guide to Assistance Programs & Services (greatseniorliving.com)