Help! My Teeth Are Falling Out - Obsessions in Aging

My mother has decided to rarely leave the house, with few exceptions for doctor’s appointments or to go out to dinner to celebrate a birthday. She has too much time to think create worries and obsess on them. This is a conversation we have at least once a month which has become an obsession with her.

Mom approaches me with a concern – her teeth are falling out and she needs an emergency dental appointment.

She has had a lot of dental work over the years. She visits the dentist regularly and does not have gum disease or loose teeth.  So, it does raise the question, if you have none of the above, how can her teeth be falling out? And, where is this obsession coming from?

Experience from living with her over the past years tells me that I cannot challenge her on most things because it frequently frustrates her, and she thinks I’m not patient or listening to her (and often this is true since I process things much more quickly and move on). “Be calm, do not overreact. It is like reassuring a child,” I tell myself. I take a deep breath and begin the inquisition to understand the root of the problem so we can choose the appropriate action.

Questions include:

·       Why do you think your teeth are falling out?

·       Is this something new?

·       Do you have bleeding gums?

·       Are your teeth loose?

·       Has the dentist told you that you have gum disease?

By the look on her face, you can tell she’s confused and hasn’t thought about this in any logical way. This is her reality and how dare I question it. Her responses to my questions are:

·       I do not think my front tooth is not in the same place (but it is and how this translates into the tooth falling out, I have no idea)

·       No, my teeth are not loose.

·       I just noticed my tooth is different.

I am not a dentist but at this point, I am confident that this is not a case of teeth falling out but a case of a tooth having moved or shifted. Teeth move and shift over time, including to me.

Again, this is her reality so trying to explain this to her is beyond frustrating. We’ve all tried to apply logic to someone who happens to be in a panic about something they believe is happening, right? But I do, she seems satisfied, and the crises is averted for the moment.

Then, on a hot Friday afternoon, she approached me again with the same issue. It was an emergency this time and she needed an appointment with the dentist. I confronted the problem head-on and decided the only way to end it was to make an appointment with the dentist. So, I did.

The day of the appointment arrived, and mom could only worry and wonder about what was going to take place at the dental visit. Her thoughts included that her teeth were going to have to be pulled, her teeth would fall out right in the office as the dentist was working on them, the caps on her front teeth would need to be replaced and they were going to file her teeth down (because that is what a dentist did to my husband’s teeth). I suppose these things are all possible but given she does not have gum disease or loose teeth, it seemed unlikely. I wondered why this obsession.

On the car ride, I could feel myself losing patience with her (feeling guilty about that). I strained to smile and told her that I was not going to discuss this until we met with the dentist because speculating about things that may or may not happen was not helpful or productive. I assured her that she was going for an evaluation only and once the dentist assessed the situation, there would be a plan that she agreed to.

We arrive, check in, the assistant calls her in, and chat with the receptionist as I wait patiently. About 10 minutes later, the dentist emerges. He seems baffled and asks me questions. Did I notice this? Has her tooth always been like that (I had no idea)?

Tuning in to his “I’m not sure what to do about this,” I asked, “Are her teeth loose and falling out?” He replied, “No.” “Then please tell her that,” I said.

Looking relieved, he confirmed, “So if I tell her that, she will feel better?” I nodded.

As Mom walked into the waiting room looking relieved, she stated, “I should have listened to you. They told me the same thing that you did.”

How gracious of her to acknowledge that after inconveniencing me and the dentist, I thought to myself.

No further teeth falling out incidents have occurred.

We need things to occupy our time and our minds, so that we do not focus solely on our problems (or make things up in our own minds). Dwelling on these things is not healthy for any of us. I plan to continue to work out, visit my friends and family, write and do all that I can to focus on the positive.

Question for you:

What types of activities does your aging parent do to occupy his/her time?